Prompt Purification

This is the second of several posts about my experience of the yoga teacher training course at a Sivananda ashram near Madurai. If you haven't yet, please scroll down and read the previous post...or for the whole story as it unfolded, you might go back to late November.

Enjoy the first week, they said, the first week when everything is new and interesting and wonderful. Enjoy because, they warned us, things would start to "come up." Physical symptoms: pain, skin break-outs, illness. Emotional ups and downs. The mind would start to question, to protest, everything about ashram life. They warned us, they said: let it happen. It is good. It is part of the purification process. Week 2; crisis week. Week 3; crisis peaks. Purification.

No need to wait for week 2. Physical purification started the moment I arrived, and--once they said I could stay--I ate it up, swam in it, asked for more.

The caffeine-withdrawal headache hit first. My love affair with coffee began in college with really good cappuccinos, funky cafe tables, intriguing neighbors, and book/notepad at hand. But this near-daily indulgence evolved over the last 3 years into a nasty, mindless habit of 3-4 daily cups of even (blech) questionable dishwater coffee.

No coffee at the ashram.
(We were incredibly lucky to have chai, starting towards the end of week 1. More about chai later.)

Caffeine-purification involved a nauseating, brain-splitting headache pulsating about an inch or two behind my left eye. I spent the first three days slumped over in lectures and even satsang, thumb pressed firmly in the crook between nose and browbone, trying (failing) to breathe it away. Visualizing the chemicals balancing out. And also dreaming of a stream of hot, black, almost syrupy espresso; tan foamy crema swirling on top, hissing steam frothing hot milk....why not place a little square of darkest chocolate, just-so, on the edge of the saucer? Throbbing, then knifing, then throbbing again; burning and pounding and always the left eye.
And on the 4th morning, I woke, and it was gone.
The amazing thing is I was never need-a-coffee-sleepy through this process. Pranayama kicks caffeine's ass. (More about pranayama later).

2nd morning--in the throes of caffeine hell--I had to run out of satsang during closing prayers and kirtan. My empty stomach emptied itself even more, neatly, into the wastebins outside the hall. I wasn't India-stomach ill. Just, maybe, needing to purge a whole bunch of stress and fatigue and negative emotion from the previous few days. Up and out, quick and easy.

By day 3, my knees, back, and hips were starting to go. We sat (i.e., on the floor, cross-legged) 5-7 ours each day; I wasn't even used to sitting at home for daily meditation. They told us to sit comfortably. To move when we needed to; pain will only distract the mind. But there are only so many different positions to sit in, to switch to. Eventually they all became painful. Sharp knives in the knees, and cramping hip flexors, and hot dull knots between the shoulder blades. How many different ways can you fold up a 12" square pillow? I looked with deep envy at some of the other students and staff, more experienced yogis and meditators; their spines long and straight and still; hips relaxed and falling fully open, knees resting on the floor. Squirm, readjust, refold the pillow. Cross legs. "Clear the cheeks" (pull excess flesh from the sitbones). Stretch out the left leg, then the right. Careful! Stretch it sideways, don't point the toes at the altar. Hug knees to chest. Kneel on heels. Kneel on pillow. Back to crossed legs. Give up; slouch the spine and rest elbows on knees. Keep one leg crossed; hug the other knee to the chest. Ooh, chin rest! Switch. Cross and re-cross the legs. Lean back on the elbows. Kneel again. 1 pillow, 2 pillows, 3 pillows...rolled up yoga mat...and the pain only grew.

I'm not sure when it subsided. Just gradually got better. Maybe aided by some serious hip stretching that began in week 2. By better pillow-folding techniques. By growing core strength, and a calmer mind. I can sit for an hour now, more or less in comfort. Lotus, however, is not looking likely. In this life, at least.